So Not Straight

G’day everyone,

I am back with my promised post!

Graduation just happened this past weekend! So I am now the proud owner of a professional degree. 

Holla!

However, since I am also jobless I found that my pride at getting my degree was short-lived as I, unlike many of my classmates, (graduated and) am still without a job offer.

Back to happy thoughts.

My family was in town for the weekend. That was fun! For my new readers, I should let you know that I was honestly not being sarcastic just now. I truly love hanging out with my family. With that said, I should let y’all know that there were, of course, some really good highlights from their visit. For instance, the prayer that was said at my graduation breakfast included a public request to God that I find a man and start making babies soon. A request that was heartily seconded by many around the table. I am not kidding. I could not make this shit up. 

What else have I been doing? 

Hmm…In the weeks before graduation and all this week, I have had a lot of free time. But as you may remember from my earlier posts I am the world’s best procrastinator. Also, I am most unproductive when I have too much free time. So I have not really done any job-searching or really anything productive. 

And just to re-iterate, when I say I have not been doing any job-searching, I well and truly mean it. It’s gotten to the point where I have been giving vague responses to people who ask me of my job search progress. Because I’m too ashamed to let them know that I have been doing jack all in that regard.

Yep. That’s what I do. I vaguely tell ‘em I’ve been working on some things but nothing has panned out yet. Knowing very well that I have done naught in the past couple weeks. At the same time, this is probably why I am quick to smile and tell them that I think it will all work out. Because, based on my industry and desired occupation, I feel like I could find a job if I started looking seriously. My problem is that I am not really looking. And, although it has miraculously happened to me a couple times so far this year, it’s generally hard to get an interview when you don’t apply for jobs.

Of course, part of the reason for my job search procrastination has to do with the new dating relationship. I would like to think that I am fairly realistic. I had planned to move away shortly after graduation so I knew going into the relationship that I only had a short time to enjoy it and I would never want to place huge expectations on the girl. I most certainly jumped in thinking that it is probably just a fling and I shouldn’t get too involved. I also thought that even if I get a little bit too involved and get hurt in a little while it wouldn’t be so bad. Because my view is like I’ve always heard people say. Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Of course though, my emotional side is not so cool and collected when it comes to actually being in this “relationship” and planning. I am having a hard time ignoring the fact that I plan to leave soon. Because moving means going away from what feels like such a good thing at the moment. Y’all know that I am good with denial. Ignoring my impending move should be a piece of cake for me. However, since my classmates and friends are leaving town one-by-one and there are numerous farewell parties where the main topic of convo is “When are you leaving town?” it is oh so hard to not think about it. Le big big sigh.

Anyways, come what may I am sure that I will be fine and it will be worth it. Whether it lasts two weeks, two months or two years, I am all about the experience. However, I do of course wish that I could slow down time to draw it out.

Moving on.

Today I also found myself thinking the same things I always think when I have a lot of free time and no income:

ONE) I should start writing a book and TWO) What business can I start quickly for little money and begin earning money immediately?

Yep, I can sense that desperate times are ahead y’all.

I went away from Tumblr for a bit and I felt bad about not updating for my followers. But since I got no messages in my email inbox about new followers I thought “No harm, no foul”. At least I wasn’t adding new followers who would be disappointed by my lack of updates. However, upon signing in just now I see that I actually do have a bunch more new followers. Ooops. But also…

Whoopee! Thanks guys!!!

I promise to write a new post this week. So much has been happening that I just don’t know where to start for my next post. But write one I will. 

Until then, happy Sunday to you all! 

G’day all!

I know I know. I’ve been MIA again. But in my excuse I’ve been out living and enjoying life. Got done with classes! Graduation is in a week. And partying has been happening every day since the end of classes a week ago. My poor liver.

We had our final parties with everyone on campus last weekend and that was when I saw the first years for the last time since most of them left town shortly thereafter. This means I likely saw my lesbian crush for the last time ever, along with all my other girl crushes from school. The good thing is that I no longer had crushes on any of them but it was nice to interact with them one last time as they’re all good people.

Most of the students still in town are the ones who are graduating. So just one more week with my awesome classmates before we separate and life, as we’ve known it for the past couple years, changes forever. Sadness.

My job search picked up steam for a bit. Thought I had some great leads but it has unfortunately since died down. Will be working on that more this week. Or maybe next week.

The other thing that happened since I last updated is that I met a girl.

She likes me.

I like her.

And I’m happy.

I know that it must seem strange for me to not be forthcoming with all the lovely details of our budding relationship and I know you can’t really tell from all the confessions I’ve already given on this blog but I am truly a private person.

Really I am!

So that’s all I will give you.

I know you still love me though.

Basically, with the exception of not knowing what I am going to do after graduation in a week, not having a job lined up, not having any income, not knowing where I’m going to live in a couple months and not knowing what I really want to do post-graduation, life is good!

Hey peoples,

How goes it? Just wanted to let you know that I’m doing well. Well, I’m doing well except for the fact that I think I am going crazy.

What is making me crazy? Thinking, of course. About girls, of course. My latest mind travels about girls is focused on trying to decipher their actions. And trying to figure out how to navigate the world of dating (or rather possibly dating) girls.

Ah K-Ci & JoJo. Brings me back to college days. When I first watched that awesome movie (Save The Last Dance) a whole year after everyone else had seen it. But I digress. Only a little though. Because, like I said earlier, thinking about girls is making me crazy. 

I am so used to guys and their behaviour that I can pretty much tell when a guy likes me. I can tell when he is physically attracted to me. I can tell when he is crushing on me. I can tell when he is gearing up to ask me out. And I can tell when he has finally summoned up the nerve and is approaching me to directly ask me out after all his hints. This applies to guys who I’ve known for a while, like guys who are my friends and want to become something more, and it also applies to guys who see me out on the street, at the club, in the store, etc. Guys are VERY easy to read in the early stages.

Girls? Not so much. At least not for me. Especially when you did not start out with explicit intentions to date and instead started out doing activities as friends. Like, when can you tell if activities are evolving into dates if neither of you is being explicit about your attraction or desire to take things further? I mean there are certain activities that are sure signs of a date when you do them one-on-one with a guy. Things like going for a walk in the park, going to a café/restaurant or going to a concert/movie/performance-of-some-kind. Unfortunately, those same activities do not necessarily qualify as dates when you do them one-on-one with a friend who is a girl. Plus, and this is really just my ignorance rather than a dilemma faced by most queer girls, what do you actually do when you decide you want to take things further than hanging out as friends?

Before taking things further though, if you wanna at least ensure that the feelings are mutual, how can you tell if a girl is interested as more than a friend? For instance, when a guy does something thoughtful for you on multiple occasions, you are pretty much assured that he is interested. However, again with girls it is different. I have many girl friends who regularly do thoughtful things for their girl friends, as do I with some of my girl friends. This means that we text often, thank often, write handwritten notes and letters, say sweet things, help each other, compliment each other and do other such things ALL THE TIME.

So how do I show that I am being thoughtful because I am interested or better yet how can I tell if a girl is being thoughtful because she is interested in me? I know that people talk about eye contact being a sure sign that a girl likes you. But sometimes you can have great eye contact with girl friends. Or maybe you, like me, are not sure if the eye contact thing you think you are picking up on is really THE eye contact thing that people talk about…People also say to look out for touching. Again, we all know that some girls are very affectionate with their female friends.

Anyways, the questions don’t end there. If I were to somehow figure out that a girl had sufficient interest, I’ve got loads more questions for the next stages. Like, who asks who out?  Who pays? Who texts afterwards? Who initiates the first kiss? Or, well, everything? Truth be told, I shouldn’t really be thinking that far ahead though because I am still stuck on the first stages. Basically, without asking the girl, my main question is HOW CAN I TELL IF SHE LIKES ME?

Right. So, if I were to sum up my findings, I would say that my thinking is leading me to one conclusion: girls are glorious headfucks. Glorious yes, but headfucks all the same.

Compared to guys, girls are SO much harder to figure out, especially in the early stages of getting to know them. That is all.

What’s up peoples?

I have been having a bit of insomnia lately. Nowhere near the daily intense bouts I had when I was struggling with my confusing feelings ALL of last school year. Yet present nonetheless. This morning I woke up at 4am after falling asleep at 10pm. Yes, my body is so used to getting little sleep that I find that nowadays I usually get up without an alarm after sleeping only 6 hours. However, since I did not have class today, I tried going back to sleep for a few more hours. Three hours and not even one second more of sleep later I had to declare that attempt a loss and get out of bed. Actually, I just came home and spent one hour lying down on my bed trying to get a nap but gave up and decided to write this post. Good news for you I guess! Also, for two nights in a row a few nights ago, I could not fall asleep until 4am in the morning and on one of the following days I had a 9am class.

There are lots of things on my mind: coming out to more people, finding a job, family issues, finding a job I like, figuring out what I want in a career, in a relationship, having a relationship while being partly in the closet, and the big one: figuring out what I want to do in life. I really do wonder if I will EVER stop having existential crises. The thing is that over the past two years I have met some pretty motivated undergrads who have their lives planned out 10 years and more into the future. Lemme tell ya, it is more than a bit disheartening to meet these 20 year olds who have their lives all planned out. Part of it has to do with the degree I am getting and the type of students attracted to this degree both at the undergraduate and graduate level. I mean I know I will never be a type “A” person like many of my classmates. But still I keep doing these things that only those people seem to genuinely enjoy. It’s like I am always trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. That’s the wrong order, isn’t it?

Shit. I can’t even get a popular saying right. 

Whatever. I think you get my drift. 

I shouldn’t complain though because if I’m having these types of crises it means that my basic needs are more than being met.

Anyways, the good thing (or maybe the bad thing) is that I am the mistress of ignoring or running away from my problems. So more problems equals more time being unproductive. In other words, more partying. So it’s no surprise that I have gone out almost every night this week, a trend I think will continue for the weekend.

In the words of Rihanna, “Cheers to the freaking weekend!”

Hiya everyone!

Hope you are doing fine. Sorry for going yet another long stretch before a proper post. Things have been happening in my life. Big things. Pretty big things…

This past weekend, in particular, was quite eventful. I came out to my flatmate AND my sister. I also had a blackout from drinking a little too much too quickly leading to a scare that included me thinking I had slept with lesbian crush because key articles of clothing were missing from my body and she was apparently the last person I was with. 

Yep, that last video I posted about Effy was maybe a little bit too prophetic.

Now for the story…

Basically, I have been wanting to come out to my flatmate for a while because I knew she would be supportive, understanding, and totally cool with it. Same with my sister.

I got really drunk one night over the weekend while partying and hanging out with lesbian crush. Then I came home and apparently was so giddy from dancing with her and also sad from wanting what I couldn’t have that I immediately spilled the beans to my flatmate. I told her about liking lesbian crush. l also talked about the main problem of lesbian crush having a girlfriend. By the way, I remember nothing of our conversation as I conveniently have quite a blackout. Last thing I remember from that night was dancing with lesbian crush about 2 hours before I got home.

From what I remember though, it was definitely good times!

I can bet that at some point while dancing with lesbian crush I made that same drunken happy face as that girl at the back!

Back to the meat of the matter…My flatmate told me about my confession the next day when I woke up. I actually woke the poor girl up with my “Oh shit!” noises. This after keeping her up the night before when I got sick shortly after confessing (mystery of the disappearing clothes solved!). We talked much more about it when I was sober and, as expected, she was cool with it. She has now started on a mission to try to set me up with one of her lesbian or other queer girl friends. Seeing as how I have no real prospects in the dating department, she’s certainly got no opposition from me! 

I know that the reason I told my flatmate while drunk was because that very morning I almost told her and had actually promised myself to tell her within a couple weeks. So telling her was already in the back of my mind somewhere.

But I am so mad at myself for drinking so much. Especially because I barely remember dancing and flirting with my crush and we apparently spent much of the night together! I only remember when we just started dancing. That’s a grand total of maybe 15 minutes of the 2 hours or so we spent together or near each other.

Really you guys, I woke up with absolutely no recollection of how I got home including the entire last part of my night. And thanks to my state of dress or lack thereof of important articles of clothing, I thought I had slept with someone. I was FREAKING out, as you can imagine. Initially I thought it was with a guy. There were lots of possibilities for guys I could have slept with and that alone was frightening. However, after frantic texting to my friends resulted in me finding out that I left the club in a cab with lesbian crush, I almost lost my shit.

Because I was thinking so many things. My first time. With a girl. A girl I like. And, of course, I DIDN’T REMEMBER! We had been dancing at the club and flirting on the dance floor so I figured it was possible we could have done something. Peoples, you do not know how relieved I was when my roommate told me what happened! I think that this is the real reason for me not freaking out about having told her about my lesbian crush. I was so relieved that nothing had happened that I was not so freaked out about my drunken confession.

Ah, life!

For all the youngins reading this blog, take it from me, blackouts are not fun. Please drink responsibly and please please please do not follow my alcoholic ways. Also, second lesson of the day: try not to jump to conclusions too quickly. It will save you a lot of stress. 

Anyways, since my flatmate was so cool about me coming out, I figured that if I was in a sharing mood I might as well tell the main person in my life that would have no problems with this - my sister. So I told her and she was also cool about it.

I am SO relieved to have finally told them. It is especially nice to have told my flatmate since I live with her, see her everyday and she is constantly talking to me about her relationship problems and issues. Now I can be truthful with her and talk to her about my issues. I hated having to fake enthusiasm for guys only. I’ve already started opening up about my girl issues. 

Apart from the slight worry over drinking too much, consider me happy as a girl eating cupcakes after a long day.

In other words, sweet relief!