So Not Straight

Alright, this should be my final post on this particular Tumblr. This final post is to let you know that I also created a new Tumblr for you to follow me and keep track of when I post on the new SoNotStraight site I announced in my last post. My new Tumblr is called Unstoppable Force (4 points for people who get it). And it can be found at tiffanyhasard.tumblr.com.

My new Tumblr will also contain other posts (videos, audio, quotes, short reflections) that don’t quite fit on any of the other SoNotStraight channels which, let me remind you, are the main SoNotStraight Blog, Twitter and Facebook.

So go on, head over to my new Tumblr now and click the Follow button. I hope to see all of my current followers over there. And lots of new ones :).

To this blog, I really will now say: Adieu.

Hey everybody!

Great news!!

After a weekend of inspired work in which I created and worked feverishly on it, my new and improved So Not Straight blog is finally ready! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has sections, a goodies store, eye candy(!) and lots of fun stuff. 

Please visit it and tell your friends about it! 

Click the image above or the link below to check it out:
http://www.SoNotStraight.com/

Hiya everyone!

It’s been a while but the end of the year is causing me to reflect…Three posts since my supposed “last post”. I definitely have a problem letting things go.

Anyways, writing this blog helped me greatly for much of the first part of the year so I came back to say a quick hello and wish you a happy new year when it comes tomorrow. For much of the time I was posting regularly on here, (although I only had a couple hundred followers), I know that there were usually close to one thousand unique individuals (sometimes more) reading each month, following me through my ups and downs. Knowing that helped a lot. I was grateful that I was not alone and that there were people out there who maybe kinda identified with my most personal, often-screwed-up thoughts. 

Thank you for following me this past year! I miss writing for this blog. And writing for a blog in general. I work through my feelings by writing about them and I haven’t done much of that lately. You all perhaps gathered that I have enough issues to build a mountain rivaling that of Kilimanjaro. Therefore, even if one part of my life was floating happily along the river, you can be sure that another part would have sprung a leak.

Tis the way the cookie crumbles with me.

Hmm, so quick update. I am not quite where I want to be in life…Still single with nary a prospect in sight. Worse is that my job contract ended 2 months ago so I am also jobless. And the icing on the cake is that despite the fears I wrote about earlier I am actually considering going back to live with my parents in a couple months, hopefully temporarily. Ok, maybe when I said I’m not quite where I want to be what I meant to say was that I’m far from I where I want to be. However, I am thankful for what I have. This includes my humour, dark and sarcastic though it may sometimes be :). But peoples, imagine how much more screwed up I have become in the past few months without an outlet!

So I have been toying with the idea of starting up this blog again or, rather, starting a new queer-focused one that continues from this one. I also plan to simultaneously have another blog about my life in general as I try to find a job, figure out my career and find my purpose in life - it’ll be dealing with all my struggles and insecurities on that. (When do I EVER not have struggles and insecurities?) That second blog will also be anonymous and hopefully also have the same tone but it won’t be queer-focused though. I think I just need to vent and wonder about my broader life in that one. Clearly, I love to work through the hard topics of my life with an audience.

The only thing I’m worried about with (re-)starting the queer blog is that my life is now sooo very mundane compared to before. And if I go back home in a few months, it will be even worse. The queer / fun to boring ratio will likely be dismal. 

So, if any of you are still reading this, what do you all think? Should I start a new queer-focused blog now that I know I am queer? Or should I focus on getting my life together in a more general, personal blog? Or maybe I should just focus on getting my shit together, period?

Alright, now that I’ve just thought out loud as usual and ended up with multiple paragraphs in what was supposed to be a one-paragraph post, lemme say what I came on here to say.

Happy New Year to you and yours! If you believe in God, may He grant you a very good year, filled with love, laughter, happiness and much fun! If you don’t believe in God, I’m gonna ask Him to grant you that anyways but you can pretend that I’ve only just wished you love, laughter, happiness and much fun in the coming year, no deity involved.

Peace y'all.

So apparently I cannot completely stay away from social media. Just reminding you all that I am on Twitter. And I still tweet :). Come follow me: @sonotstraight.

I got a number of messages (and one comment) asking me to consider leaving the blog up. Luckily for you all, I’m watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics and feeling connected to the world right now. Sorry, that last line was just me being an ass. I don’t need the Olympics to make me reconsider. The truth is that I have a problem telling people no (yes I realize this has some pretty big implications but let’s ignore them). Thus, although I don’t know any of you I would feel terrible if I didn’t grant you your request. 

I’ll leave the blog up (for now) just in case it might help or encourage others out there who suspect that they are so not straight. For you peoples know that there is a light at the end of the long, dark and confusing tunnel! And read my adventures from this past year to feel better.

To the rest of you - whether you were with me for all of the past year or only just the last week - I bid you adieu.

Hi all,

I hope life is treating you VERY well!

This is gonna be a surprising post to y'all but I came on here to tell (warn) you that I think I am going to stop posting here. This will be my last post. And I may actually go ahead and delete the blog. 

Now before you go off into a tizzy, let me explain.

A few minutes ago as I thought about the blog, what I wanted to share in my next post and why the blog exists, I came to the realization that it has served its purpose for me.  

I started the blog as a means to attempt to define my sexuality and to make peace with myself. Also, I wanted to get support from and encourage others out there who may be feeling the same things I was/am feeling.

Since I wrote that first post almost exactly one year ago, much has happened in my life. I’ve truly come to accept that I like girls. And that I like them more than guys.  Getting more specific about my sexuality is no longer so important. I am, in a word, QUEER. (Isn’t it funny that it’s the one word I never thought of putting in my little blog description?) I’ve also gone to LGBT and other queer gatherings. I’ve come out to other queer folk as well as a few friends and family members. I’ve made some peace with my religion and my sexuality. At 28 years old, I had my first relationship ever and it was with a girl. This relationship was truly satisfying and almost all that I hoped it would be. I also perhaps got to experience my very first heartbreak. No regrets though. I got the chance to be in a relationship - to care about someone and feel cared about. For that I am happy. I am happy also because all those things happened in a relatively short time span. I know many others take years to accept the way they feel, even longer to act on their feelings, and yet still longer to make any sort of peace with themselves. 

My general self-discovery journey isn’t over and will never end as long as I am alive. But I no longer need the catharsis of writing for an audience. By the way, if I sound ungrateful, I do not mean to take that tone. You, my faithful followers (all couple hundred of you) and regular readers, were there for me as I poured out some of my most personal thoughts. I appreciate all of you: those of you who read, those of you who commented and those of you who sent me messages. Thank you! I hope life brings you all that you desire. May God watch over, protect and comfort you through whatever you are going through. Goodbye to you all and if I had to give you one piece of advice, it would be this: In life you must seize the day today so that you may have fewer regrets tomorrow.

Recognizing that this may be a rash decision (and Lord knows I’ve made more than my fair share of those) I decided to give it a few days and warn you all. I plan to delete the blog on its one-year anniversary - July 26th. Last messages, comments and similar are, of course, welcome until then :).

Hola peoples,

I hope y’all are doing fine and dandy. Me? Regardless of how I actually feel at the moment, I think, or more specifically, my brain is telling me that three weeks is enough wallowing time for a close-to-3-month relationship, don’t you? I accept that this breakup was/is rough for me mainly because it was my first relationship where we spent so much time together and where I developed deep feelings for the other person. But now it is time to move on. Or at least stop boring you all with my sad posts.

I will say though that I definitely went through a day or two where I was like this

Alright, I spent over a week like that but who’s counting? 

In my defense, the days surrounding our breakup coincided with some other kinda sad things happening in my life. And did I mention that on the same day me and the girl broke up main crush got married? Yep, pictures of her looking hot in her pre-wedding, wedding and post-wedding dresses were blowing up my Facebook feed. Just reminding me of things I could not have. So the first week of moping was not solely about the end of my relationship. The next two weeks, however, were all about it. :P

Anyways, I can already say that it was a wonderful experience and, despite the eventual pain, I do not regret it one bit. I also learned some things which I am going to share with you all because, well, do I need a reason?

1)      I DEFINITELY like girls. I really don’t understand how people think that just because a girl has never been with another girl she won’t know for sure whether or not she likes girls. We know!

2)      If it is a fling I am after or have agreed to do, my suggestion to my future self would be to lessen the emotional intimacy and also tone down the time spent together and the physical affection and intimacy. Or I could, you know, just avoid flings entirely.

3)      I think God might be on my side. Just before this relationship transpired, when I had never even met the girl, I prayed to God to help me find someone special and at least get to experience love a little. It was the first time in my life I’d ever done this…prayed for a mate. If you’re a Christian you understand the significance because I know that many single Christians pray to God daily to find them a partner. Also, when I wasn’t sure if she liked me, in the beginning when I was being all cryptic with you guys, I also prayed to Him to do His will. If it was meant to be with us, He should let it happen and if not He should let the opportunity pass. And it happened! So maybe just maybe He blessed the union! :)

4)      It is hard to be in a relationship and not be able to speak about it to close friends. At least I discovered that this was the case for me. So, along the way, I came out to a very select few of my close friends who I knew would be fine with it. I will also admit that some other friends know all about my relationship, except that they think I was with a guy the entire time. Oops!

The good thing is that even throughout the most difficult period post-breakup, I recognized that I would be okay eventually.

So no hard feelings. Life goes on!

My version of our parting, sorta based on a part of Jenny Han’s It’s Not Summer Without You: 

In the days leading up to our parting, we had more frequent bouts of long, silent hugging, words failing us when emotions took over. However, for the most part, we acted in denial right up until our last night together. Like someone once said, it really was weird, we knew the end of something great was coming, but we wanted to hold on, just one more second, just so it could hurt a little more.
On our last night together, however, denial was no longer possible. It finally hit us both and we channeled our all, our emotions, our sadness, our everything into one amazing night. 
Then, all too soon, it was time. The dreaded morning had arrived. We stood there, hugging, looking at each other, saying nothing. But it was the kind of nothing that meant everything. 
We were finally, finally over.
I looked at her, and I felt so sad, because this thought occurred to me: ’ I’ll never again feel your lips on me or your arms around me. You will never look at me the same way again. I’ll never again be that girl for you.’
I couldn’t even be mad at myself or her, because this was who we were. Runners. We’d never lied about that.
I felt it in the pit of my stomach, the familiar ache, that overwhelming soaring, heartbreaking feeling only she could give me. I didn’t know if I could ever bear to feel it again. 
I looked at her, and I thought, ‘If I was very brave or very honest, I would tell you.’
I would say it, so she would know it and I would know it, and I could never take it back. But I wasn’t that brave or honest, so all I did was look at her. And I hoped that she knew anyway.
'I release you. I evict you from my heart. Because if I don’t do it now, I never will.’
We both started speaking our final goodbyes at the same time. But I think that the words that left our mouths were not what either of us wanted to say.
One final kiss. Then we pulled away from each other forever, eyes still locked together.
In the end, I was the one to look away first and I was the one who walked away.

I may appear to be free
But I’m just a prisoner of your love
And I may seem all right and smile when you leave
But my smiles are just a front
Just a front, hey
I play it off, but I’m dreaming of you
And I’ll try to keep my cool, but I’m fiendin’…

Yep, those lines = exactly how I played it at our parting. 

Hiya everyone,

I’m asking you all to let me wallow for a little bit more. So I bring to you another song. This song is What Hurts The Most by Rascall Flatts.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do…

Right. Clearly, you can see where my mind is at the moment. Unfortunately, that’s all I have for now. That and the accompanying vid.

I hope you all are doing much better than I am in your own little worlds.